EVERY GIRL I FUCKED used some sort of birth control so rubbers weren’t an issue. Every time I was inside a new one I prayed she was crawling with disease. It started with the first one, Eileen. With her bent over the hood of her car as I was jackhammering into her all I could think was please, have herpes.

See also: Gonorrhea

See also: Syphilis

See also: Chlamydia

This is how I wanted Sheila to find out I was cheating on her.

Some people confront problems in their relationships. Some people burry them. I could only cheat.

You wake up in a dorm room.

You wake up in a studio apartment.

You wake up in your own bed and you’re not alone.

Girls will notice you if you change something basic about yourself. Your facial hair, your deodorant, how low you wear your jeans. Girls feel special when they think they’ve discovered something new. And many of them don’t care if you have a girlfriend. Women’s lib did wonders for a man’s ability to get laid whenever he feels like it’s the thing to do. I was hoping it would also do wonders for a man looking to contract VD.

It never occurred to me that infecting myself with a disease just so I could punish my cheating girlfriend with it was twisted.

Syphilis chancres are painless. They heal around a month after infection and since you don’t have any pain you don’t go to the doctor. You don’t worry. You don’t think about what the tiny, swollen sore meant. It’s not until 6 months later when the symmetrical red-pink itch-free rash starts to cover your body that you realize you’ve got The Syph.

I was hoping to give this to Sheila. Anything would work but this would be the perfect punishment. She has pristine skin and to wake up one day with such a sweeping imperfection would crush her.

Shaving off his beard is a man’s ticket to a world of change. It sounds ridiculous but it’s true. Change one thing and like dominoes, one by one, everything else will follow suit. Sheila’s the one who wanted the new look, not me. I didn’t want the change. The first domino fell and Sheila wasn’t happy. She didn’t like it. Then the second and third came down and I went out and found girls who did.

Or they found me.

Who remembers.

I do remember why it started, though.

Sheila found her ex, his beard still in tact.

She found him over and over again for a week after I altered my face just to make her happy. Keep her quiet. Whatever.

She told me she fucked him. She told me she was sorry and filled with regret and that it would never happen again and I thought because 12 times in 7 days is enough for even the biggest whore, isn’t it? She said it had nothing to do with the way I looked. If that was the case then it was a pretty big coincidence that just as my beard disappeared she felt the need to go find another one.

You wake up on a futon.

Clara only wanted to give me head. Tanya only wanted to make out and cuddle. Eileen was the first one I was able to penetrate.

Most people cheat to find something they feel is missing from the relationship they’re in. Love. Affection. Attraction. You could say I was doing it for the same reasons.

You wake up on a couch.

I checked daily. Sores, warts, discharge. Anything would’ve been good. I considered asking each girl if she was infected before I pushed into her but I figured that they would either take offence or lie. Girls will be quick to offer up the truth if they have HIV and it’s not like I hadn’t run into a few carriers. I think the rationale is this: admitting you have HIV is like saying “I’m a victim,” but admitting to being infected with anything else is comparable to announcing that you’re the town bicycle. So I just passed on the AIDS chicks and racked up more numbers. Eileen was the first, Christine the second, Debra the third.

See Also: Bridget

See Also: Hailey

See Also: Kelly

You wake up on the floor in the hallway of your own apartment building.

A month of sleeping around and all I had to show for it was a chapped and sore cock. Between nailing virtual strangers and Sheila, sex became a full time job. It’d be nice if I finally got paid. I checked diligently. Nothing. Who would’ve thought high school health class was this effective?

The crab louse can live in any type of hair, but its most commonly found living in your short and curlies. Crab lice have longer legs, adapted to be able to stretch between hairs that are farther apart than the hair on your head, hence being found in pubic hair.

See also: Armpit hair

See also: Eyelashes

See also: Beards

You wake up with the undeniable urge to scratch until you tear into your own flesh.

I just thought it was dry skin. I have dry skin, it’s not a new or novel idea. I lotion regularly and that usually clears up the itching for a while. But I’d never had to lotion my balls before. I’ve just been putting them through a lot I thought. It didn’t even occur to me that maybe dry skin wasn’t the culprit until I ran into Eileen on the train and she socked me in the side of my head with her purse.

She had them.

They all had them.

And they all got it from me.

You wake up to find 15 angry messages from 15 angry women waiting for you on your cell phone.

After I pressed Sheila long enough she admitted that she’s the one I got them from.

And that her ex gave it to her.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner” she said.

You wake up and immediately tear the sheets off your bed to wash them.

“I figured that if you weren’t bringing it up, maybe you didn’t catch them” she said.

You wake up and shower, clean your balls with prescription shampoo.

“He got it from his girlfriend” she said.

You wake up and rake through your pubes with a fine-toothed comb.

“It took him a while to figure it out. He’s never even fucked her, he just ate her out. He gave them to me the same way, doing that. Then I gave them back to him when he fucked me. That’s when he started noticing the itch” she said.

The beard. She got public lice from another man’s beard. She keeps talking and I’m thinking this is like some fucked up version of “The Gift of the Magi.”

“And I guess she got it from some bedding or something in the dorms.”

That is entirely likely.

“It’s kind of funny if you think about it.” She gave me a hug and added “when did you finally figure out you had them, too” and all I could do was shrug, shake my head and think you lucky cunt, you beat me at a game you didn’t even know we were playing.